🔭 The Present Perspective Newsletter

The Freedom to Choose Your Response

In the pause space between what happens and what we do next, we find something profoundly valuable: the freedom to choose our response.

“Human freedom involves our capacity to pause, to choose the one response toward which we wish to throw our weight.”
— Rollo May
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Dear Reader

One of the interesting things about mindfulness is that, as we pay closer attention to our experience, time can seem to slow down.

Instead of moving immediately from something happening to our reaction, we begin to notice everything that is going on in between.

Imagine someone says something we experience as criticism. Normally, we might simply react. We become defensive, angry, withdraw, argue back or say something we later regret.

With mindfulness, we start to notice more.

We hear their tone of voice. We see their body language. We notice the tightening in our stomach or chest. We feel anger, fear or hurt arising. We become aware of the thoughts appearing in our mind and the almost immediate urge to defend ourselves.

All of this is information.

Our nervous system is constantly responding to what is happening around us, drawing not only on the present situation but also on our previous experiences. Sometimes our reaction is useful and appropriate.
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At other times, an old protective pattern has been triggered and we are responding as much to the past as we are to what is happening now.

Mindfulness gives us the possibility of a pause.

The physical reaction may still happen. Our heart might beat faster. Our stomach might tighten. Anger might appear. Mindfulness is not about making these reactions disappear.

Instead, we notice them.

And within that noticing, a small gap can begin to appear between what has happened and what we do next.

That gap can make an enormous difference.

We might feel our feet on the ground and take a conscious breath. We can notice what we are feeling and what we have the urge to do.
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Rather than immediately following that urge, we can ask ourselves:
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​“What am I noticing right now, and what is the best response?”

Perhaps we need to speak up. Perhaps we need to say that the way we are being spoken to is not okay. We might ask the other person what is going on for them. We might decide to let the comment go. Or we might simply walk away.

There is no single “mindful” response.

The point is that we now have a choice.

Over time, we start becoming familiar with the patterns underneath our reactions.

Defensiveness may be protecting us from feeling hurt. Anger may arise because we feel rejected or ashamed. Withdrawal may protect us from the possibility of conflict.

These responses are not problems to get rid of. Often they developed for very good reasons.

But as we become more willing to feel what is underneath them, they no longer have to control us in the same way.

We become less reactive without becoming passive. In fact, we may become more assertive, more willing to speak honestly and more able to protect ourselves when necessary.

We are no longer prisoners of our reactivity.

And in that small space between what happens and what we do next, we find something profoundly valuable: the freedom to choose our response.

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🧘‍♀️ Mini Mindfulness Exercise: Noticing the First Reaction

The next time something pushes one of your buttons, see if you can delay doing anything for just a few seconds.

Notice what is happening in your body. Tightness? Heat? A racing heart? A sinking feeling?

Then notice the urge that comes with it. To defend yourself? Explain? Attack? Withdraw? Fix things?

You don’t need to get rid of any of it.

Take one conscious breath and feel your feet on the ground.

Then ask yourself:

• What does this moment actually need from me?

You may still decide to speak up, walk away, disagree or take action. Mindfulness isn’t about always being calm or agreeable. It simply gives us a better chance of responding consciously rather than automatically.

Why this exercise helps

Even a brief pause allows us to notice the difference between our initial reaction and the response we actually want to make.

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Why noticing this helps

Because our first reaction often happens so quickly, we don’t even realise it is a reaction. Noticing our usual pattern helps bring it into awareness. Once we can see it more clearly, we have a better chance of pausing, creating some space, and choosing how we actually want to respond.

📝 Mindful Meme of The Week

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